Victoria of Houston




  VICTORIA

  Houston Based Gothic FBSM Provider


The Challenges of Provider Life

When I hear about other providers having boyfriends or even husbands, I am honestly in awe. I don't understand how they do it. 

I already feel stretched thin at times, just trying to maintain a personal sex life, alongside being a provider. Not so much from physical exertion, though that does play a part, but moreso a mental and emotional one. I just don't have the energy for a full-time boyfriend, I just don't. The thought of having to spend that much time on/with another human being, alongside trying to deal with my clients AND also somehow take care of myself, seems pretty much impossible to me. 

Maybe these ladies have partners who are happy with a part-time partner; I don't know. 

Be that as it is may, I still have needs, as we all do, which is why I continue to pursue my relationships with my lovers, as well as seek out new ones, from time-to-time; which brings me to my central point. 

Dating. 

*SIGH* Such a conundrum for me right now. On the one hand, I do have a desire to date, go out and meet new people. On the other, it fills me with an existential dread. Any new guy I meet, I have to lie to, right off the bat. I am not a liar, by habit. In fact, I place a very large amount of value on complete openness and honesty. It is something that is very important to me. I expect it of others, and I always try my hardest to give the same in return. I think that is why this is bothering me so much. I actually hadn't been on a real date in about a year, and had one recently. I now have a second date coming up with someone new, and I think this is starting to become an issue for me. 

I'm not ashamed of the work I do (rather, the opposite), and I honestly could not care less if people knew this about me, right off the bat. The only reason(s) I don't tell everyone is due to the legal issues surrounding it. I have to watch out for myself, first and foremost, and the knowledge that I do sex work, in the wrong hands, could be very damaging to me. Aside from that, I've also just had bad experiences with telling non-hobby guys in the past, about this part of my life. As such, I obviously don't tell everyone, but then that brings me right back to square 1. I meet someone new, and already I am lying to them, about what I do for work. I hate having to resort to such methods of deception, I really do. 

But, if I want to lead any semblance of a "normal" dating life, it is something I will have to come to terms with. I realized recently that the other reason I am likely feeling this so strongly right now, is because this is actually the first time in my life that I have been truly single, providing, and trying to go out on dates. I realized also, this is likely why I haven't really been pursuing things in this arena as of late. 

It is also why I am so thankful to have my hobby lovers. The guys who know about what I do, and who hobby also. It really takes a lot of stress out of it for me, and means I can fully enjoy the time I have with them, to the fullest extent. I am coming to see, just how truly valuable, that is. At least that's something.:-)

However, as for any others I may meet.....I don't know. I guess all I can do is try to see how I feel about this, moving forwards, It's funny, because this is never the moral quandry I thought I'd face with doing this type of work....but there you have it. 

Further Down the Rabbit Hole

Aside from my new experiences in provider land, as of late, I’ve also been enjoying some new experiences in my “rw” life. Ha. Again, I really think the boundary between my “real” life and “provider” life has grown so thin lately; I’ve had all kinds of crossovers lately that leave me feeling somewhat unnerved.

I guess I have to decide just how comfortable I am with my worlds melding. Like that time last week I had a social acquaintance become a client; or what about the time recently my lover turned from being my client attended a party with me and some of my actual  rw friends. I keep telling myself it’s all just fun and games and it’s ok….perhaps it is, but we shall see.

So, speaking of my lover, this would be my sir, aforementioned in a previous blog, one of these new experiences I’ve had lately has been courtesy of him.

I want to say it was shortly after we first started things, that he wanted that thing, that all men want, I think because it is so very “forbidden”; access to my narrower passage.

I’ve done it more than a few times in the past, with boyfriends and whatnot, but it had been quite some time indeed. I requested him to give me some leniency and let me train for him and prepare for such an endeavor, to which he kindly agreed.

This went on for several months, until the moment came, quite unexpectedly actually. When it happened, I have to say, it was one of the most unique sexual experiences I’ve had to date in my life, which is saying a lot. Going back to something I’ve expressed in previous blogs, I sometimes worry if I am too sexually jaded or if there are any new joys left to be had in sex for me. Thankfully, this time, my sir proved this isn’t true.

He gave me something that day, that was totally amazing. A pleasure I’ve never experienced until then. I really am feeling that it is true what you hear, that sex gets even better after 30. If I had known it could be this good already, I would have been doing this for years now.

So fears of jadedness aside, it does make me wonder what more could be in store for me down the line; just how far down this rabbit hole am I willing to go?

Adventures in Provider Land #9 - The Time I Met Someone Socially and They Became My Client

What a week, indeed. I won’t get into anything political too heavily, but I will just say, goddamnit….I’m still in shock. I feel like the past couple of weeks have just been crazy leading up to this moment, so hoping things will calm down soon enough and return to their normal flow.

Aside from that, this week also afforded me with quite a new experience, indeed. I’m actually kind of shocked that after 8+ years of providing, I can still have new experiences or experiences that I am not quite prepared for. I guess that’s a good thing, and I should take it as a small victory that I haven’t become completely jaded, as is often my fear.

So anyways, a few weeks ago I met a fellow local provider socially. She’s a sweet lady and it was nice to make a new connection, work wise. It’s always a good thing to have someone you can talk to about work and who not only doesn’t judge, but who can completely understand what you’re going through.

So, we’ve hung out a few times since then and it’s been good. She then asked me if I would be interested in meeting her and one of her partners out for dinner. She’s also poly in and in an “open” type situation.

The evening went well and fun was had.

A few days later, I received a message from her partner. He requested to have a session with me. Of course, I happily agreed to this, and the session took place a day later.

Let me just say, whoa. I have never met someone socially first, and then had a session with them. Granted, he dates a provider as well, so it’s not like someone completely unconnected to my hobby life, but still, it was certainly an interesting experience to say the least! I was feeling totally unmanned the whole time, lol.

 

Never a dull day in provider land, I say!

Trying to Juggle Real Life and Work

I know it’s been while since I’ve shared anything. I haven’t been particularly busy or anything, I guess I just haven’t been feeling super inspired lately.

Today, I decided to write a sort of combo post about juggling a personal sex life alongside providing, along with leading a more “ploy” type lifestyle.

 

I’ve been single for the past 3 years. This has been by choice. Originally, it was a decision I made due to a bad break up from my longest term relationship to date (8 years and 2 countries long.) The longer time has passed, the more I have gone through different phases with this, and the more the reasons for staying so, have evolved. 

I’ve had my lonely periods where I felt it sucked and I longed to be with someone; I’ve had my empowered periods, where I felt happy and strong to be single and all “fuck men, I don’t need them” (lols); I’ve felt somewhere in between the two. Now, three years later, I am somewhere around the “I’ve accepted it and even prefer it (mostly, at times)”, phase. The thing is, I actually feel like I am in a place, emotionally, where I could perhaps take on something a bit more serious, but as there aren’t exactly any viable candidates in my immediate scope, just at present, I am content with where my life is at.

The other side(s) of this though, complicates things a bit further. The first is that whilst theoretically being able to have some sort of more constant “relationship” alongside providing seems viable, I don’t think the reality of this would actually pan out.

It's not that I don't think I could find a man who was ok with it, in fact, I feel the opposite. The problem(s) I think I would come up against is not being able to have enough emotional and physical energy to be able to handle both, because I already feel this way at times.

I’ve spoken previously about my 2 regular lovers; alongside seeing them, I do see other “randoms” as I call them, from time-to-time. It really can be difficult to juggle such a lifestyle, while I am providing. Some weeks, after a busy one (work wise), the thought of even being close to another man is taxing to me. I still get horny (voraciously so) and I do still desire to see my lovers (very much so), but I can be so physically and emotionally exhausted from work, that it can be challenging.

I remember one day in particular when I had 3 sessions, and was then meeting one of my lovers after work. As I showered, got dressed, and was then fixing my hair and make-up to get ready for his arrival, I thought (somewhat wearily), “This is the 4th man today, I am getting ready for.” That can kind of effort can be exhausting.

 

I’m not complaining though, mind you. I freely choose to do this kind of work, just as I freely choose to engage with my lovers. I want all of it, and will even go so far as to say, that these relationships are healthy and positive for me, but it can just get tiring trying to juggle so many men at once; trying to have a personal sex life, when your job is also sex. Most people get to have sex as something fun, adventurous, a break from “every day” life, and personal time; imagine how you would feel if it is both that for you, and your job? I think you understand where I am coming from. When I hear about providers having full on boyfriends, I am in awe and honestly don’t know how they do it.

So, because of this dynamic I feel is already present in my life, I honestly just don’t think I could handle any sort of more serious relationship at this point, especially if more emotions were involved in it.

 

Secondly, the poly thing. Oh yeah, that, lols. I’ve realized recently, that should I get to a place where I am ready to take on a more substantial relationship, that it would definitely need to be something more along the “poly/open” dynamic. I don’t think I would want something traditionally monogamous no matter what my work situation was like at the time; but also as such, I’ve recently been wondering what it could be like to be in something a bit more serious whilst I do still provide. My 2 lovers already know about what I do, and both have no qualms about it. I am sure other men can feel similar.

It’s something I’ve really been thinking about lately. But, as stated previously, I have reservations about trying to venture into anything right now due to fears of not having enough energy for myself, let alone another person (even if you’re in a poly arrangement, you still have to have energy for the people you are involved with.) Yet still, I feel some desires for such, as I have not felt in a long while, beginning to grow (possibly).

It’s kind of a conundrum, really. I think for the time being, I am content to let myself continue to mull this situation over, whilst keeping things as they are. I mean, really, I probably have most people’s dream life/sex scenarios. I get to have great sex with none of the “real life” complications that can come along with such; and not only with 1, but 2 sexy ass men, as well as any other I may want to that should come along. That seems none to shabby to me, lol.