Victoria of Houston




  VICTORIA

  Houston Based Gothic FBSM Provider


Kinky, Poly, Hobby; Seriously?!

I mean, seriously, is this my life?  I recently, briefly, recollected on how, what felt like a small decision last year, has led me down the proverbial garden path to the point I am currently at and sometimes cannot believe.

I often hear from clients, that my life is “so glamorous” or that my life is “exciting” or how lucky I am. I feel it is quite easy to get caught up in the day-to-day of one’s own life. Since we live the reality, we sometimes don’t stop to look around, take stock, and realize exactly what we have and how good we do have it. This is true for anyone, but perhaps even more so for sex workers?

It is true that I (or any sex worker) faces a set of unique challenges that others do not. What we do is largely frowned upon both socially and legally, and so that adds not only a certain risk to our everyday lives, but can also interfere in trying to have “normal” relationships and interactions outside of the hobby. I stopped telling people I am a massage therapist and just stick to freelance designer (it is what I want to do anyways). That might seem like not such a big deal to most, but what it means, is that I basically live a life of at least, some lies. My own mother has no clue what I do and only a very small circle of people around me do. And relationships present a whole other set of challenges. When I first got back in the game last year, I was at a place where I was not desirous of any kind of relationship, so this didn’t concern me. Now, things are different, so where does that leave me with any future partners I may meet?

That being said, I do look around at my life and stop and realize that yes, indeed, I am quite lucky, if not leading a very intense, crazy and alternative sort of life.

As mentioned just recently, I now have a regular dom in my life again. This certainly transcends to things outside of the bedroom as it were, and does involve itself in many aspects of my day-to-day life, which is something I am desirous of. But, as things have progressed with him, and surely will continue to do so, I am seeing how it is becoming more and more a part of my everyday life and not just something that is peppered in here and there to spice up our sex life.

 

Further to that; poly. This is something I have almost always pursued in my relationships, without necessarily being totally cognizant of it at the time. As I have progressed in life, I have been able to put a name to it and deliberately pursue and explore what that means for myself, and in my relationships.  Recently, I’ve been feeling that leading such a ‘lifestyle” ( I quote this, because I do not in fact feel that it is a lifestyle, but rather a part of who I am), has only led to a deeper and more connected understanding of myself and those within my sphere. To be able to have that kind of total honesty with people, is illuminating. (This is also one reason why I stress over having non-hobby partners. All of my current sexual partners are in the know and so I never have to lie about work.) It is helping me explore myself on a level I never thought possible. It also provides quite a lot of excitement and certainly keeps me busy, lol.

 

And, on top of all of that; hobby. As if my little life dynamics couldn’t get any crazier. It’s so weird how the craziest things can become so commonplace. But, when I really take a moment to stop and take stock of my life, sometimes even I am in awe of myself. I never imagined this kind of life for myself, when I was younger. I know I won’t always hobby for the rest of my life, but it will always be a part of who I am and something I have done and been involved with.

 

But perhaps, this is who I was born to be, what my lot in life is? I’ve recently been struggling with some sort of sense that I am wasting my time and not doing the things I should be doing. It’s great to have goals, and I certainly do have them, but recently I was realizing, perhaps I am all wrong in this. Perhaps even someone as “free-spirited” as me, is still being influenced by some sort of societal pressure and feeling that I should be leading a more “normal” sort of life; which is funny, because anyone who knows me well would likely describe me as someone who has always rebelled against the mainstream.

My dom and I were recently discussing this and he told me that he admires people like me, who follow their own path and are their own person. I appreciate such admiration, but I told him that doing so comes with a set of challenges that could likely be avoided otherwise.

However, thinking on this further, I realized, and this is something I already have as well, that I don’t give a single fuck if it means I face challenges. Challenges will come in life, one way or the other. I would rather spend my time here on earth, striving to walk my own path and be who I want to be, than do what I am told to do simply because it is what is accepted and/or expected.

 

Three years ago, I was at one of the most unhappy places ever in my life; my rock bottom. Now, three years later, and I feel the happiest I have in a very long time. I have to believe that is because I am at least doing some things right.  Or, at least I hope so.

 

I feel that this is all still very much, a work in progress and I am not quite sure where all of this leaves me. However, perhaps this is one of the tricks to life; realizing that it is always a work in progress.

Can I Ever Have Non-Kink Sex Again?

A few months ago, I wrote about not being able to have “non-hobby” sex ever again.

The last few months have definitely seen lots of changes for me, on the emotional and relationship fronts.

A year ago, I quit my civvy job and decided to start back in the hobby, for the time being. At the time, it was a simple means to an end decision, not involving much more thought or planning than that. However, that one seemingly small decision, has led to so many, almost life changing, things for me. It’s quite funny, but I guess I really shouldn’t be surprised, since this is usually how life tends to work out.

One development in the sexual/relationship aspect of my life, has been the reemergence of my “kink self” as I call it.

Kink has pretty much always been something that has been a part of my sexual relationships with most ongoing partners I’ve had; whether they were full on boyfriends, or just a play partners/fuck buddies. Until now, the last time I had a serious dom was my ex from 3+ years ago. We were together for 8 years and the relationship was very bad and ended horribly.

After that, it took me a long time and lot of stuff to go through to even feel that I was ready for a “normal” relationship dynamic again, let alone anything kink related.

Last year, once I started back in the hobby, this all started to change for me. It was like I experienced a sexual reawakening. One thing I love about hobbying, is how amazing and uplifting it makes me feel. I feel the most validated and empowered, as a woman, than I ever have. I believe it can also be a gateway to explore and embrace one’s own sexuality as well as a way to further develop this. Anyone who believes these aspects of oneself are not just as important to nurture and develop, as any other parts of ourselves, is, in my opinion, seriously misguided. Furthermore, I believe that being truly in touch with such aspects of oneself helps us to realize what it is we want/don’t want in our partners and sexual relationships. This is vitally important to one’s happiness and wellbeing in life. Anyone who doesn’t think so is either just plain wrong or likely seriously deluded and unhappy in life.

 

I started to open up to the idea of having a kinky play partner again last year around this time. I started down the path and did have some fun experiences, for which I am grateful. As this progressed, I began to see myself becoming more and more comfortable with these elements in my life again.

Eventually, I wrote the aforementioned blog about not being able to have any partner who isn’t at least aware of the hobby, if not directly involved with it. The jury is still out for me on this issue and I am unsure if I will ever be able to form any kind of real relationship with someone who isn’t in the know. This is troubling, as I am once again on the dating path, but I guess for now, will be an issue that I deal with or come to terms with at some later time when it actually becomes more apparent that I need to (for instance, if I end up daing someone non-hobby.)

 

Further to this, as I have once again delved into my kink self, things have now progressed to a point for me, once again, where I have a formal dom in my life. I realized a few months ago that this is something I was desirous to have once again, perhaps it is something I have always, and will always, be desirous of, as I do feel it is such an integral part of myself. This is certainly scary for me, but also exciting, but one thing this has brought up for me is also now wondering, if I can ever have non-kink sex again as well.

 

Let me explain. I don’t mean that I need kinky things to happen all the time, every time I have sex, just to enjoy it. My dom and I have vanilla or “normal” sex,  and it is completely enjoyable and satisfying.

What I am coming to see though, is that I do need for a kink dynamic to be in play, at all times, when I am with men, in order for me to be interested and excited. I am a complete, natural sub. The idea of a man “taking control”, whether of me or just throughout the sex, is something I find incredibly alluring and perhaps now, even totally necessary. I have had a few vanilla and “non-dommy” partners over the past year or so, and I have come to find that I tend to grow bored and disinterested rather quickly if I feel I am not being challenged enough by them.

My current dom provides a perfect example of this. When we first met and began our sexual interactions, no kink play at all was taking place. However, I sensed from the beginning that he was a dommy sort of fellow, and we even had a few conversations about this early on. Whether or not he was my official dom at the time, that energy and dynamic is always present for him, as he is a natural dom, and so it just comes out, no matter if actual play is transpiring. It’s that sort of energy, that sort of dynamic that takes hold of me and keeps me titillated, intrigued and left wanting more. That kind of feeling you get, when you think about someone, your heart starts beating a bit harder, you become flushed and you feel that deep urge of desire to just have them. That kind of chemistry, in my opinion, cannot be forced or willed into being. It either exists between two people, or it doesn’t. When I think back through all of my past lovers/boyfriends, and consider who I felt have been my “favorite” or best suited ones, ones that have produced such an enamored admiration in me, I realize they have all been dommy, either overtly or otherwise.

Once I realized this about myself, I felt somewhat concerned. Isn’t it bad if I just can’t be excited, unless the guy is a dom? But, then I wondered, is it so bad? This is who I am, this is what I desire, this is what I require. Surely knowing such a thing about myself, will only serve to engender a deeper relationship, acceptance and understanding of myself and will also help me to understand what it is I need and want in my partners to be truly happy and fulfilled.

I feel that people so often seek out relationshipswithout being totally cognizant of, and in touch with these sorts of things, which is likely one reason so many relationships fail or are just unhappy.

I am still at a point where I am contemplating these things and wondering what it means about my future relationships, but I am also at a place where I am ok with it, not to mention feeling very fortunate indeed that I have at least one person in my life, who can fulfill me in such ways.

I am sure I will muse even more on this later, as things continue to progress in this arena for me.