I mean, seriously, is this my life? I recently, briefly, recollected on how, what felt like a small decision last year, has led me down the proverbial garden path to the point I am currently at and sometimes cannot believe.
I often hear from clients, that my life is “so glamorous” or that my life is “exciting” or how lucky I am. I feel it is quite easy to get caught up in the day-to-day of one’s own life. Since we live the reality, we sometimes don’t stop to look around, take stock, and realize exactly what we have and how good we do have it. This is true for anyone, but perhaps even more so for sex workers?
It is true that I (or any sex worker) faces a set of unique challenges that others do not. What we do is largely frowned upon both socially and legally, and so that adds not only a certain risk to our everyday lives, but can also interfere in trying to have “normal” relationships and interactions outside of the hobby. I stopped telling people I am a massage therapist and just stick to freelance designer (it is what I want to do anyways). That might seem like not such a big deal to most, but what it means, is that I basically live a life of at least, some lies. My own mother has no clue what I do and only a very small circle of people around me do. And relationships present a whole other set of challenges. When I first got back in the game last year, I was at a place where I was not desirous of any kind of relationship, so this didn’t concern me. Now, things are different, so where does that leave me with any future partners I may meet?
That being said, I do look around at my life and stop and realize that yes, indeed, I am quite lucky, if not leading a very intense, crazy and alternative sort of life.
As mentioned just recently, I now have a regular dom in my life again. This certainly transcends to things outside of the bedroom as it were, and does involve itself in many aspects of my day-to-day life, which is something I am desirous of. But, as things have progressed with him, and surely will continue to do so, I am seeing how it is becoming more and more a part of my everyday life and not just something that is peppered in here and there to spice up our sex life.
Further to that; poly. This is something I have almost always pursued in my relationships, without necessarily being totally cognizant of it at the time. As I have progressed in life, I have been able to put a name to it and deliberately pursue and explore what that means for myself, and in my relationships. Recently, I’ve been feeling that leading such a ‘lifestyle” ( I quote this, because I do not in fact feel that it is a lifestyle, but rather a part of who I am), has only led to a deeper and more connected understanding of myself and those within my sphere. To be able to have that kind of total honesty with people, is illuminating. (This is also one reason why I stress over having non-hobby partners. All of my current sexual partners are in the know and so I never have to lie about work.) It is helping me explore myself on a level I never thought possible. It also provides quite a lot of excitement and certainly keeps me busy, lol.
And, on top of all of that; hobby. As if my little life dynamics couldn’t get any crazier. It’s so weird how the craziest things can become so commonplace. But, when I really take a moment to stop and take stock of my life, sometimes even I am in awe of myself. I never imagined this kind of life for myself, when I was younger. I know I won’t always hobby for the rest of my life, but it will always be a part of who I am and something I have done and been involved with.
But perhaps, this is who I was born to be, what my lot in life is? I’ve recently been struggling with some sort of sense that I am wasting my time and not doing the things I should be doing. It’s great to have goals, and I certainly do have them, but recently I was realizing, perhaps I am all wrong in this. Perhaps even someone as “free-spirited” as me, is still being influenced by some sort of societal pressure and feeling that I should be leading a more “normal” sort of life; which is funny, because anyone who knows me well would likely describe me as someone who has always rebelled against the mainstream.
My dom and I were recently discussing this and he told me that he admires people like me, who follow their own path and are their own person. I appreciate such admiration, but I told him that doing so comes with a set of challenges that could likely be avoided otherwise.
However, thinking on this further, I realized, and this is something I already have as well, that I don’t give a single fuck if it means I face challenges. Challenges will come in life, one way or the other. I would rather spend my time here on earth, striving to walk my own path and be who I want to be, than do what I am told to do simply because it is what is accepted and/or expected.
Three years ago, I was at one of the most unhappy places ever in my life; my rock bottom. Now, three years later, and I feel the happiest I have in a very long time. I have to believe that is because I am at least doing some things right. Or, at least I hope so.
I feel that this is all still very much, a work in progress and I am not quite sure where all of this leaves me. However, perhaps this is one of the tricks to life; realizing that it is always a work in progress.